Sunday, June 14, 2009

NHL 2008-09 The Movie!

Many hockey fans considered the 2008-09 NHL season to be the best in years. Hard to debate that with the winter classic, the Cup Finals going 7 games and Bettman's anointed one getting the trophy. So who would be the cast of NHL 2009 the Penguins Strike Back? I held auditions (not really) for the most important parts and had many takers. In the end, I came up with the most qualified cast ever to appear on the big screen:

Gary Bettman will be represented by Pee Wee Herman. Pee Wee was chosen for his similar looks, complete lack of hockey knowledge and apparent interest in young boys(charges were dropped), making him the perfect Gary Bettman.

I searched high and low to find just the right actor to represent Sid the Kid, but none of the male child actors were willing to participate in the 'punch the guy in the nuts from behind scene' so I went with the next best thing. Sidney Crosby will be played by Hannah Montana.

What about teammate Evgeni Malkin? Well, I found that it wasn't easy finding a Hollywood actor as high up on the 'ugly tree' as Geno, so I'll be taking clips from the 1922 horror movie 'Nosferatu'. Malkin will be represented by Count Orlock.

The part of Penguins Coach Dan Bylsma will be played by Matt Damon.

Detroit Red Wings coach Mike Babcock will be played by two different actors. Mel Gibson will represent Babcock during wins and Clint Eastwood will play the 'losing babs'.

Hendrik Zetterberg will be played by the guy in this clip, because he has the beard and I didn't have to buy a Zetterberg Jersey since he had one already:

It wasn't easy choosing a Pavel Datsyuk. I narrowed it down to 5. Who do you think it should be?

Kris Draper can lead a horse to water AND make him drink. That's why Chuck Norris gets the part of Drapes.

Of course, not all teams can make it all the way, but all teams made a difference in the 2008-09 NHL season. The biggest difference makers will be represented in the film. Here they are, with their respective actors:

Alexander Ovechkin. Ovie gets to represent the entire Washington Capitals team (since that's pretty much how the second round went) and play himself.

It was easy finding a suitable Matts Sundin. I needed someone who could sit around and do nothing while waiting for money, then continue to do nothing once the money arrives. This cue ball will do perfectly.

Who can forget Sean Avery and his off-color remarks about his former girlfriend? I only took one audition for the part of Sean. The role went to Sean Penn. Given Penn's loud mouth that never says anything useful and his previous experience playing a retard, all he really needed was a haircut to be the perfect Sean Avery.

Martin Brodeur showed some real highs and lows this season. After breaking Roy's record for most wins, he went on to lose in the first round of the playoffs. Who could represent a cocky Frenchman with a tendency to flip out when things don't go his way better than Russel Crowe?

The entire 2008-09 San Jose Sharks will be played by these four people:

And finally, this years Colorado Avalanche. I found their representative right away, but I don't think it's appropriate to put a picture of a dead horse on my page.

So there you have it! The cast and crew are all ready to go. I hope you enjoy the film as much as I enjoyed choosing the cast!

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