Anybody + Anybody + Bertuzzi = Anybody + Anybody + Turd

Posted by PaulinMiamiBeach on 12/07/09 at 11:39 AM ET

I believe this problem is more complicated than simply algebra. You see, your equation gives,

Anybody + Anybody + Bertuzzi - Anybody - Anybody = Turd

The Anybodies cancel, leaving us with

Bertuzzi = Turd

However, I do not think this adequately explains the true reason for Bertuzzi’s play. I believe the real character of this quandary can be expressed as a derivative.

Let us write our original equation as f(x) = Bertuzzi(x), where x = that element which made Bertuzzi such a valuable player early in his career and f(x) represents his total on-ice effectiveness.

The following equation represents a certain key moment in his career, where x was subject to an exponential increase in intensity and an additional constant was added to the equation, with disastrous results.

g(x) = Bertuzzi(x)^2 + Moore(x)

From this point onward, the Moore constant never leaves the equation.

To account for Bertuzzi’s change in play, we must take the derivative of g(x) and subtract it from the original equation.

g’(x) = 2Bertuzzi(x) + Moore

Subtracting from f(x), our new equation for the play of Todd Bertuzzi is written

h(x) = Bertuzzi(x) - (2Bertuzzi(x) + Moore)

As you can see, h(x) > f(x).

Integration will be required to completely understand the behavior of h(x), but first we must re-write it as a function of time. This requires a lengthy digression into various obscure realms of mathematics, including differential equations, the specifics of which are too complex to adequately explain here. Suffice to say that our new equation is,

j(t) = Bertuzzi/(t)

Integrating the foregoing, we have

∫Bertuzzi/(t)dx, with endpoints at 0 and 15, representing each year Bertuzzi has played in the NHL.

The antiderivative of j(x) is Bertuzzi(ln(|t|). Evaluating this equation at both end points gives us

Bertuzzi(ln|0|) = promising rookie

Bertuzzi(ln|15|) = poopie

Subtracting the equation left endpoint from the right, we have a total area of

promising rookie - poopie = suck

As you can see, the relationship between time, x, and suck become quite clear once we’ve applied the proper mathematical model. Some corrective is clearly required, and given the comparatively high value of the “poopie” term, I suggest an elephant laxative, or failing that, a hefty meal from a badly-maintained Taco Bell.

It’s the only way.

Posted by Quarkstar from Out there on 12/07/09 at 02:09 PM ET

Now, I personally think Bert has improved a lot over the past few games and is earning his $1.5 million, but that doesn't mean this isn't funny.

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